Because let's be honest for a minute. These subscription emails are sent out in bulk to all subscribers of that tier and at no point does a human write the name, it's all machine babey! Plus you know those companies that email you like "Hi Nimrod," Well I feel sorry if any of you are walking around with the name Nimrod for starters. But alas, that in my mind is even more insulting and impersonal than leaving me the fuck alone from their targeted adveryising schtik and schpeel, and therefore if I feel that way, I know some of you sexy (and not so sexy, barf) mother fuckers will feel the same.

OK, if I was going to personally email you, your name would be just dandy Nimrod. In fact as you want the email to address you personally so badly, please CONTACT ME using the CONTACT FORM. Then each time we send out emails, I'll personally stop, write you out a nice personal email, addressing life, sharing the ups and downs of how my theoretical prosthetic ball has been handling all that delicious maple syrup I 've been lathering on my potentially heart stopping waffles each morning I wake up. Then I'll ask you how your life is going. I'll be sure to use CAPS as well with your name, NIMROD, to show you just how truly important you are to me, you know like BANKS and BILLS do when you get mail. I'll assume as you pay other people who write your name in CAPS you'll also be sure to pay me? Unicorn tears... Don't worry, I won't mind or hassle you with FINAL REMINDER emails if you fall short on your ability to pay me because you had to take up counselling with a psychiatrist because the plethora of personal tradgey I laid out in my personal emails was too much for you to handle Nimrod.OK, if I was going to personally email you, your name would be just dandy Nimrod. In fact as you want the email to address you personally so badly, please CONTACT ME using the CONTACT FORM. Then each time we send out emails, I'll personally stop, write you out a nice personal email, addressing life, sharing the ups and downs of how my theoretical prosthetic ball has been handling all that delicious maple syrup I 've been lathering on my potentially heart stopping waffles each morning I wake up. Then I'll ask you how your life is going. I'll be sure to use CAPS as well with your name, NIMROD, to show you just how truly important you are to me, you know like BANKS and BILLS do when you get mail. I'll assume as you pay other people who write your name in CAPS you'll also be sure to pay me? Unicorn tears... Don't worry, I won't mind or hassle you with FINAL REMINDER emails if you fall short on your ability to pay me because you had to take up counselling with a psychiatrist because the plethora of personal tradgey I laid out in my personal emails was too much for you to handle Nimrod.